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  • Writer's pictureRawan

d’incomplétitude: feeling of incompleteness

Felt something in my gut; an overshadowing feeling of inadequacy, and in quiet I succumb to it and I fade away into the corner I looked down counting my failures and the burning flames of shame waiting for the earth to swallow me into the darkest far-flung deep into the center of earth but it doesn’t; I just float hoping for the sky to swallow me into the empty space, but here I am verifying the existence of gravity.

The more I know the less I know; there’s no solid ground only assumption and while everyone seem to have built a solid form for experiencing being, I wasn’t able to comprehend that capacity. I felt unable to sense all the world into a framework of comfort and belief, I questioned everything therefore every experience becomes a difficult new thought process in which the variables are unpredictable, while everyone around me experience things at ease I experienced a conflict; an unnecessary one as it seems.

Every day end with a self examination, a consistent assessment and a harsh critic. And when you grow accustomed to your own hell, you begin to build immunity and no external validation is ever enough. My ability to see the good and the "bad" in me grow even more subjective and i have trusted my unkind sense to develop my own awareness of myself, and in the process i have become acutely aware of others and their emotions; there they lie in their complete ignorance or bliss; not questioning their own contribution nor their value to the universe and in my own understanding the universe is so big and old for us to be remarkable.

As i experience this gut feeling again, i remind myself that the universe contains billions of galaxies, each containing millions or billions of stars; the universe has been here 13.8 billion years ago by measuring its oldest light. My experience of life is almost nothing compared to the universe; so what else really matter when we digest this thought? this sense of being half being has been a driving force for me to proceed and progress but we will never be a whole and we will never reach that peak point or change the universe.

Gently i accept my incompetence, ignorance, inadequacy and incompleteness.

I do.


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