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  • Writer's pictureRawan

25 Years Of Being.

Updated: Aug 2, 2021

A quarter of a century. Wow.

I've decided to dedicate this page and these words to myself as a token of appreciation and for anyone who may find some comfort in these words.

I rarely find birthdays entertaining when you conceive life the way I do, first of all I'm an introvert and I find it overwhelming to be surrounded by people screaming their wishes; and the cake part which I need to justify that I'm not a cake person and no amount of convincing would push me to try it out and yes I do hate chocolate cake even if it was "Vegan"; and opening the gifts and my brutally honest expression which can be really impolite, having to explain that materialistic goods could be bought by me if I really wanted them, But all I really cared about was the total human experiences that we are sharing or a written card that i can forever hold on too.

As a kid i remember quit few days so vividly, and I can remember what was my earliest memory but i can recall being five and dressing up for a couple of pictures around the house, my father used to be a journalist and he had this huge camera that he has to freeze the time each day we did something special; and i guess that habit of freezing the time influenced me in far more ways that i could've ever imagined, I capture every moment like i'm fighting time as it fleet away so i can in a moment of nostalgia relive it all over again. I also remember my first day at school and mom waking me up and fixing my hair, I remember I felt different sense that i can’t explain until this day.

I recall the first day and how we played like animals but a wired sense will land to your soul when you realize that this is how the next 12 years will feel like, only with an acute raise in conciseness which is less entertaining. Also there was a phase where I had to cut bangs every time i had scissors and mom will do the damage control with a wired band over my head; all I can recall for my years before 12 is the sense of happiness and a vivid imagination; I seriously believed in never-land back then.

In my teens I often felt estranged but somehow I found my people, Music and books were basically my amusement and i remember being into all kind of arts especially painting. In your early teens you start developing your own sense of self and in this process I found my self to grow estranged in interests and view of life and in times i found it really refreshing to self-isolate and disconnect as if their existence threatened my identity development; it was the character building years and you survive when you triumph over your secret battles, but I always say when you find your core of what you are every battle is purposeful. I was mad at the world but learned to channel it through productive means, and I learned that the world is truly indifferent to your suffering so I might as well just live it while I can the way I want to; If i can sum up my teens in a band it would be "The Smiths" and oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.

Oh my 20's.

Collage experience was intellectually un-stimulating to say the least. I guess i found everything but myself, you just learn how to comply and adjust your being accordingly, I found reading was my full-time amuse and oh yes mafia films.

After college I got a job and I became the youngest manager in my company, I led people to implement change and strategy. I guess the world never saw that coming, I was always the quit laid back kinda person because deep in my core i knew what i was capable of doing and I had no urge to prove it to anyone, I did it all to myself only and I had no interest in any outside validation; and i owe all all to myself and these moments of doubts when you choose to do it anyways to proceed against all fucking odds.

I guess a huge part of who i become is my absolute independence, I've no joy in meaningless social connections even if its blood, I'm brutally honest and will take off from useless conversations which must may find amusing, but l learned to adjust and just let them be and whatever opinions or charter judgement i might receive i'd let it pass by, because must of them are with failed uninteresting life while all I seek was an extraordinary life experience, so who are they to judge really?

If I can sum up everything i learned in the past 25 exigent years of being is:

You have to focus on who you are and what you want everything else is secondary, don't get too caught up in temporary pleasures life is fleeting away and none of that will have a meaning in the next few years. Only be around people who challenge you, who expect more of you, the people who listen when you are not feeling it and who never force you out of it. Its your life and its 100% percent your own responsibility, being miserable or joyful it is a choice and if you can't be happy right here and right now you will never be happy, don’t condition happy to a gaining or actions happening in the future this is a trap.

Pain is life and there’s no light without darkness but what i learned is that they can exist in the same time, contradictory yet coexisting. And life will come to test you and will face a days that you hate the sunlight. But what i promise you is that in everything we live was written and was meant to be. Don't look for reasons or justification, thats just life. something will happen and shake us to the core, but when you cross to the other side our pain leaves us stronger and kinder and the battle never ends. but don't ever ever ever give in to the darkness, let the light be always there and believe it in your heart that life is changing and no feeling how ever good or bad is lasting, everything changes with every sunrise.

Time is sacred, how you treat it is a sign of character. Live life as you could face every morning as a new day of a limitless opportunities, and go to bed knowing that if that was it and If i may never see a sunrise I did enough I lived enough and I did it all, all I could and no regrets.

I will in all the remaining natural course of my being, be the constant expression of who I am, and i have no interest in becoming anyone but who I am. No matter how flawed or opinionated, stubborn and dreamy.

I want to fail, learn and grow live a life with no comfort only challenges and adventures; I want an epic life and to die having left nothing in my human capacity unused.

Oh that I promise. I promise. I promise.



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